Tonight I made a Hamburger Helper for dinner. At 21, I didn’t picture myself here, feeding my culinary trained husband a Hamburger Helper. Things have gotten that out of control. I thought that by this time maybe my life would be in better order. But Grad school is priority. This quarter, I have felt defeated and burnt out. Motivation is lacking and the truth is: from the get go it was a frenzy.
The night before spring quarter I needed to add a second course. This is a problem, considering the fact that I was preparing to research my capstone (The CAPSTONE: The crowning achievement of my degree), I had a ticket to Washington and I had scheduled substitute jobs. I definitely bit more than I could chew. The last couple days of this quarter, I have been surviving on humus and coffee. Humus and Coffee. Here’s where it gets really shitty:
ALL OF THAT WORK JUST TO BE TOLD THAT THE CAPSTONE ISN’T AVAILABLE IN THE SUMMER!
All of that work for things to not go my way. Holy shit. I immediately thought: “Momentum. I’m gonna lose it.” And let the neurosis kick in. I suddenly can’t stay awake; and all at once, it has hit me: I’m exhausted and I can’t think of anything other than sleeping and momentum. Days go by and nothing is consoling me. I hate to say it, but “I always get the shitty end of the stick.”
Today over my ritual upside down soy caramel macchiato, I started thinking about what this delay was going to do for me. Maybe I’m not ready for the capstone? Maybe I need another writing course under my belt? Maybe the universe is protecting me? Maybe all of this thinking is bullshit and I need to inspire myself to finish this fucking thing? Suddenly I thought I don’t just want to make my peeps proud. It’s more than that now. It’s not just about finishing, but it’s about pride. I want to produce a capstone that is so magnificent that my teacher/advisors/reviewers will think “Holy shit…we made this monster. We produced this and it’s going to be fantastic.” (Well, maybe they won’t burst into applause but this has to keep me going. This idea has to keep my momentum, it has to keep me inspired…because right now the machine is down.)
So for now, I know that the dishes need to be washed, that there are loads of laundry that need to be cleaned, there are healthy meals that need to be made and created and my husband deserves the best for putting up with my neurosis. But it has to wait until Monday.
Wish me luck on my finals.